u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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