I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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