He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
