so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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