You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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