If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
