I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
