I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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