So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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