On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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