someone threw a dead crab at me
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
