Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
