No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
