I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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