Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
