i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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