god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
