we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
