I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
