Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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