3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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