well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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