I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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