Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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