The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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