I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
