well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
