I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
