Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
meet me or not, i'm out of control
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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