you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
