There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize