I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
sarcasm needs its own font
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Randomize
