Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
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I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
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I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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