I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
