my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You left your underwear on the fireplace
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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