My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I am available for nakedness
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Someone signed my nipple.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
