the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
