Joe is yelling at the trees again.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
