i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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