I'm so fucking centered right now
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
