3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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