The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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