guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
