Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
