Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
