You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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