I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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