Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
