I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
