no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
