your parents love me but you hate me
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
