Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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