I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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