Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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