I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
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My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
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I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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