drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Is Oprah even human
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
