did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
