She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
